Direction

I’m just going to vent for a little while and see where it takes me. An overarching theme for me this summer is learning my weaknesses and just how short I come to glorifying God. A big facet of this is humility, compassion, and an unconditional love for others. I wish I could learn all these lessons the way that Neo had those programs downloaded into his brain in the Matrix. Unfortunately I have to learn first off that I have a problem, then see what the proper behavior/attitude is, then watch myself fall flat on my face repeatedly for an indefinite period of time trying to get there.
I am becoming increasingly aware of my shortcomings in these areas, but I am unsure of how to change.Do I have to learn to accept my personality and temperament first before I can have any confidence, then feel comfortable being positive and not tearing people down? Is there a brokenness that I can attain that allows me to love other people unconditionally? Aside from watching myself fail over and over again, do I play a role in this process at all?
Here are some excerpts from what I’ve been reading in Transforming Grace:

“You and I actually experience the grace of God in our lives far more than we realize. But all too often we do not enjoy His grace because we are trying to live by merit. Not by grace. In looking for our own goodness by which we hope to earn the blessing of God, we fail to see the superabundance of the goodness and grace of God in our lives.”

“…submission to the lordship of Jesus Christ should be in response to the love and mercy of God. In view of God’s mercy, Paul urged the Roman believers to offer their bodies as living sacrifices. We must respond with a similar motivation to His lordship in our lives today.”

“We certainly need to be reminded that we are still sinners. The best way to do this is to take seriously the commands of God as a required rule of life. As we do, we will be continually reminded that we really are spiritually bankrupt—even as believers. And as redeemed sinners in a perpetual state of bankruptcy, we will come to appreciate more each day the superabounding grace of God.”

“Many Christians grew up in homes where parental acceptance was based, to a large degree, on academic, athletic, musical, or perhaps some other standard of achievement. Often, in that kind of performance environment, they never quite felt as if they measured up to expectations, regardless of how successful they were. Then they transfer that sense of inadequacy to their relationship with God. They continually wonder is God pleased with me? Is He smiling on me with fatherly favor?”

“Do you view God’s moral precepts as a source of bondage and condemnation for failure to obey them, or do you sense the Spirit producing within you an inclination and desire to obey out of gratitude and love? Do you try to obey by your own sheer will and determination, or do you rely on the Spirit daily for His power to enable you to obey? Do you view God as an ogre who has set before you an impossible code of conduct you cannot keep, or do you view Him as your divine heavenly Father who has accepted you and loves you on the basis of the merit of Christ? In other words, in terms of your acceptance with God, are you willing to rely solely on the finished perfect work of Jesus, instead of your own pitifully imperfect performance?”

I think these quotes help to answer my questions. I truly do feel like I’m on the operating table watching God perform surgery on my soul. It is thrilling, on one hand, to know that God is working on me so intensely and that I’m getting to learn so much. On the other hand, it is very sobering and painful to watch. I wish it was easier for me to admit that I’m a mess, that I don’t have everything together and be vulnerable. Unfortunately it’s taking some deep cuts and many trials to get me to that point.

One of the major sources of stress in my life right now is the huge question mark awaiting me after graduation. I don’t know what path I want to pursue, and I don’t know how to make a wise decision in that area. I read this in Piper’s Dangerous Duty of Delight at the conclusion of the chapter of missions a few days ago:

“In 1897, Samuel Zwemer and his wife and two daughters sailed to the Persian Gulf to work among the Muslims of Bahrain. Their evangelism was largely fruitless. In July 1904 both the daughters, ages four and seven, died within eight days of each other. Nevertheless, fifty years later Zwemer looked back on this period and wrote, ‘The sheer joy of it all comes back. Gladly would I do it all over again.’

Missionaries are not heroes who can boast in great sacrifice for God. They are the true Christian hedonists. They know that the battle cry of Christian hedonism is missions. They have discovered a hundred times more joy and satisfaction in a life devoted to Christ and the gospel than in a life devoted to frivolous comforts and pleasures and worldly advancements. Suffering, disappointment, loss—yes. But all outweighed by the superior promise of all that God is for them in Jesus. They have taken to heart the rebuke of Jesus: Beware of a self-pitying spirit of sacrifice. Missions is gain! Hundredfold gain!

On January 8, 1956, five Auca Indians of Ecuador killed Jim Elliot and his four missionary companions as they were trying to bring the gospel to the Aucas. Four young wives lost husbands and nine children lose their fathers. Elizabeth Elliot wrote that the world called it a nightmare of tragedy. Then she added, ‘The world did not recognize the truth of the second clause in Jim Elliot’s credo: He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’

God has not put Jim Elliot and Samuel Zwemer and Lottie Moon in the world simply to picture their joyful tribulation, but also to awaken our passion for imitation. He said in Hebrews 13:7, ‘Consider the outcome of their life, and imitate their faith,’ and in 6:12, ‘Be imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises’. Therefore, if you find in your soul a longing for the kind of satisfaction in God that freed these saints for the sacrifice of love, savor it, and stoke its embers with prayer before Stain snuffs it out. This may be a decisive moment in your life.”

I do long for that satisfaction. The problem that I have right now is I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to figure it out. I also want to plan ahead as much as possible and feel mounting pressure to attain some sense of meaning, purpose, prestige, and overall satisfaction.

Back to where I began. I think it would be helpful to remember the words of Jonathan Edwards: “Self denial destroys the very root and foundation of sorrow.”

God, teach me self denial, and transform my heart into one that loves.

Calling

"..our concern with truth is an inevitable expression of our concern with God. If God exists, then he is the measure of all things, and what he thinks about all things is the measure of what we should think. Not to care about truth is not to care about God. To love God passionately is to love truth passionately. Being God-centered in life means being truth-driven in ministry. What is not true is not of God. What is false is anti-God. Indifference to the truth is indifference to the mind of God. Pretense is rebellion against reality, and what makes reality reality is God. Our concern with truth is simply an echo of our concern with God. And all this is rooted in God's concern with God, or God's passion for the glory of God"
-John Piper, God Passion for His Glory

So that quote has nothing really to do with this post, but I recently read it on a plane as I was diving into Piper talking about Jonathon Edwards and then some real Jonathan Edwards. It has been a good read so far.

This past week I was in Anaheim for National Intern Training with KPMG. (note: Steve you should like KPMG, they are MLB's biggest sponsor of the RBI program-Reviving Baseball in Inner Cities). Anyway, it was a good time, but also a reflective time.

Topic One:
I had beer at the bar/lounge of the hotel in the evening a few times. Now this was pretty much the first time, other than once last week after work, of having a beer in a social outing with people as a means to relate. I still don't know what I think about it. Drinking a beer or two is not wrong. But I felt as if I really was just doing it so I wouldn't feel alienated. I also had a very good time, and it wasn't a good time because I was pointing others to Christ or drawing closer to the Cross myself. I know I do lots of things that probably don't point people to Christ and I sin in my activities daily. But in the end, I want Christ to be my treasure and my actions be a testament to his worth. I also desire to be used by him for his purposes and to lay down my life for the unreached. However, when I am having a beer with people around a bar and my thoughts aren't on Christ or on loving these people to the end of pointing them to Christ, and I am only enjoying -what in all my estimations is-worldliness, I have trouble feeling I am displaying his worth. I saw and tasted the fleeting pleasures of the sin of worldliness and I know dabbling is not a good idea. That said, as of now, I feel much more comfortable with having a drink at dinner or right after work, but not going out. Please feel free to exhort, and/or share your thoughts and your testimony.

Topic two:
The past two weeks have shown me two big things. The first is that I am a much worse sinner than I thought and I should never take pride in sanctification. I think I thought I was doing pretty good, but the past two weeks when I have had free time I have chosen to waste it watching crappy television (and I hate tv) rather than read a solid book or dive into the Word- the very things that I know bring me real joy. Second, that when you are around people who are seeing and savoring and dying to themselves, it is much easier to do so yourself. It is a testament to the God-given importance of true community.

Topic three:
This past week I was very discontent about the idea of starting my career in KC. It is not a bad place to start, but I have had a feeling that it is inadequate or not good enough if I really want to be elite (whatever that means). As well, I have some sort of desire to get out and do something when I am young that maybe I wouldn't be able to do later in life. I already know that I want to live globally for a at least two years at some point with or near an unreached people group(Lord willing), but this past week I had a real desire to start work in some place like Minneapolis. It would be a good career opportunity because of KPMG's client base there, plus I have heard the downtown is hip place for young people, and I could do The Bethlehem Institute at John Piper's church. How cool would that be? Anyway, I am having trouble discerning if my motives to want to live somewhere else are mostly sinful or if they are good and healthy desires. I know I would be leaving a lot of relationships behind in the KC area and that I would not be able to be a part of a Church plant that I am super excited about. Those are the two main cons to starting somewhere else. Hopefully as the summer unfolds, the Lord will make it more clear what he desires and that I will feel a strong calling to stay in KC or go somewhere else. I will most likely have to make a decision before the end of September, which will dictate many (or at least one) other big decisions. I am very open to thoughts, suggestions and prayers about that as well.

I end this post with a verse since this reflection has been more about life and less about what gives life. Let us cling to this promise:

"...I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit." (Isaiah 58:15)

A recent internal struggle

It's been a curious past couple of weeks. One the one hand, baseball is still pretty frustrating. We've managed to win two of our last 8 games and I fear that our patience with one another will dwindle in proportion to our winning percentage. Also, I've only pitched one inning so far, and feel that I'm not an integral part of the team on the field, or even a part of the team at all. I guess it's just tough going from being in a starting rotation all season to not playing more than an inning on a summer team built with underclassmen. That being said, we have a great group of guys on this team, and I'm really enjoying getting to know all of them better. I'm convinced that due to our shared relationship with Christ, we are able to endure these trials on the field together and stay positive and upbeat. I just hope that God would grant us the strength to keep our attitudes under control if the season continues this way.
I think it was only a matter of time (perhaps I was just starving for someone to disagree with), but I sort of took issue with one of the principles that our chaplain talked to us about during our discipleship time last week. The principle is called “Holy Sweat” and describes how our goal as Christians should be to pursue godliness, as opposed to happiness, and the way we can get there is to make decisions and work really hard to attain Christ-like behavior and attitude. I just wish that there would be mention of affections rather than decisions, grace instead of self will, and pursuing our highest happiness—an intimate relationship with a God that provides obedience as the surest way to be joyful—instead of pursuing a self made good Christian.

John Piper explains this last viewpoint very well in his book Dangerous Duty of Delight

Quoting Jonathan Edwards, “God is glorified not only by His glory’s being seen, but by its being rejoiced in. When those that see it delight in it, God is more glorified than if they only see it. His glory is then received by the whole soul, both by the understanding and by the heart. God made the world that He might communicate, and the creature receive, His glory; and that it might be received both by the mind and heart. He that testifies his idea of God’s glory doesn’t glorify God so much as he that testifies also his delight in it.”

C.S. Lewis also expounds on this idea in his book The Weight of Glory:

“If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promise of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak. We are half hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Also from Lewis regarding praise as the consummation of joy in what we admire:

“The most obvious fact about praise—whether of God or anything—strangely escaped me…I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise…lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside…my whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly denying to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we cannot help but doing, about everything else we value.”

This talk of affections is what helps to change my heart, and I would presume the hearts of many other people in contrast to a teeth clenching decision to try harder to attain godliness. Why not use what comes naturally to us in our favor? If I see a movie I enjoy or read a book I learned a lot from, or see an athlete in a game that makes me stand out of my chair and cheer, I do not hold that close to myself hoping that no one else will be able to enjoy it. Whenever I see a good movie, hear a great song, or experience any other fleeting joy I instantly want others to enjoy it too. This spreading of my own joy is praise and witness. If this joy can be first experienced within me, and Jesus Christ becomes the whole of my affections and my treasure, then I don’t think I will have to devise any sort of strategies or 3 step programs to discover how to praise Him or tell others about Him.

Jonathan Edwards stated that, “true religion, in great part, consists of the affections.” This is in contrast to a Christian life lived by making decisions. Edwards points to 1 Peter 1:8 to make this point, “Though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory.”

Making decisions can still be attained though a person’s heart is far from God. But speaking of affections gets right to the heart of the matter. I think that in my own life my affections lie elsewhere, and my sources of joy are broken cisterns. This is why I feel dry and empty when I succeed in those areas, and disgusted when I fail. I’m trying to find happiness, meaning and purpose outside of Jesus Christ. It should not affect my pursuit of joy when I don’t pitch as much as I want, or even as good as I want. As a Christian, those things should not be determining factors in regards to my joy.

Grace 101 is a lifetime course

I’m still plowing through the book Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. Here are some more excerpts that have really stuck out to me…

“The currency of our morality and good deeds is worthless in God’s sight.

Furthermore, we all are so heavily in debt to Him because of our sin that there is no question of our even partially paying our way with God.”

“Grace is not a matter of God’s making up the difference, but God’s providing all the cost of salvation through his Son, Jesus Christ.”

“This is the very essence of sin, the very core of it—going our own way. Your way may be to give money to charity, while another person’s may be to rob a bank. But neither act is done with reverence to God; both of you have gone your own way. And in a world governed by a sovereign Creator, that is rebellion, that is sin.”

“We were born with a perverse inclination to go our own way, to set up our own internal government rather than submit to God.”

“God’s grace cuts both ways: it can neither be earned by your merit nor forfeited by your demerit. If you sometimes feel you deserve an answer to prayer or a particular blessing from God because of your hard work or sacrifice, you are living by works, not grace. But it is just as true that if you sometimes despair of experiencing God’s blessing because of your demerits—the ‘oughts’ you should have done but didn’t, or the don’ts you shouldn’t have done but did—you are also casting aside the grace of God.”

“He does not deal with us as our sins deserve, which would be punishment, but as His grace provides, which is for good.”

“We’ve blown it and fallen on our spiritual faces too many times. Just like Peter, we need to be convinced in our hearts that God is the God of all grace, that He is going to bless us and use us, not according to our deserts, but according to his infinite goodness and sovereign purpose.”

After our third game was over and I was feeling pretty tired and horrible about getting beaten twice, I was starting to go through my usual self pity routine. I hadn’t pitched very well in that game and was not handling it too well. I’m very performance oriented, and when I don’t perform up to the standards that I’ve set for myself then I feel almost worthless. Especially after games like the one on Saturday I’ll feel like I’m not good at anything, and begin to doubt my ability to perform at anything at all. While I was reading this book a description of the apostle Peter falling on his face repeatedly but still used by God for great things really stuck out to me. It became apparent to me that I’m not living by God’s grace when I think of myself as a failure due to my performance on the field. I’m supposed to be playing for an audience of one, God, and if I don’t locate my fastball during a baseball game that doesn’t mean that I can’t be used by Him for great things. I know this sounds like a very elementary concept, but it is one that I’m having to slowly grasp and apply to my own life.

Hello from Wichita

“For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” 1 Corinth. 2:2

Hello men! Let me tell you, when you have three weeks off between school and work and everyone is gone for a good chunk of it, life can be boring. We were made to produce and work, so idleness is not how we should live. But this past week, I was really struck by my boredom and frustrations as I was really feeling the blues. I was depressed because everything I had to do was taken away, my school work, hanging out with friends, Bible Study and Nav Night and ministry stuff, etc. Was I content to rest in God and put my efforts toward knowing him during the day? Was I content with just God? It was sobering to see that sin in my life.

On another front, some frustrations. Samantha is a team leader at STP- but it is much different from when we went two years ago, as the program directors have changed. Anyway, it tends to be man-centered. It is program oriented. It seems to miss the whole point that we were made to know God and delight in him. It is focused on the fruit, and not the fruit giver. In more words, its not reformed nor is it focused on God or the scriptures as much as when we were down there or as much as we now see is the very blood of our faith. They don't even have Bible Studies this year, just D-groups. I don't know what that means, but you go through a packet of questions everyday that usually has scripture but it serves both as your Bible Study and your devotions time. It is just different and in many ways seems to miss the point that that we are pursing God in Christ through his Word and that we are not just trying to get people to make a simple decision or follow me so I have legacy, we are bringing the glory of Christ to the unreached. Missions exist because worship doesn't. I could say more, but I won't. That being said, there is a lot of good practical tools being taught and it is the beginning of summer so stuff good change. I still don't get why the stress at some Universities is a program and things you do, and not God himself. This has been frustrating for me because I don't agree with that philosophy, but also especially because Samantha is frustrated. She is submitting to the leadership, but letting her Christian Hedonism out as much as possible. It puts me in a pickle because I know people down there, namely Mr. Sutton, and I want to influence him for the good. I don't want him to come back excited about programs. I want him to come back excited about God and the Word. So is my role to sit back and not undermine or interrupt some of what he is being taught and trust that God is sovereign over the situation or do I take some initiative and reach out to him on a regular basis with resources and encouragement that are God-centered? I don't want to be too controlling or be a distraction, but I want him to treasure God and fall in love with the Word. Thoughts or prayers would be good.

As for as what I have been learning: Tim Keller blows my mind. I listened to this sermon below with Nate the other night. He was very challenging and stretched how I thought about the gospel. What is the scope of the word and what really is the gospel? I spent much of the last 30 hours of my life reading and reading and reading and writing some to clear my thoughts. From Keller to Piper to Dever to Mahaney to Bridges. It has been good. If you have time weigh in for yourself:
Keller sermon
http://acts29network.org/sermon/dwelling-in-the-gospel
Dever sermon and blog
http://t4g.org/08/media/
http://blog.9marks.org/2008/06/cry-2-make-the.html
Piper on the scope of the "good news" found in the Bible from God is the Gospel, Chapter 2
http://www.desiringgod.org/media/pdf/books_bgg/books_bgg.pdf

I leave you with some of the nuggets I found this week.....
“What the progress of revelation shows, as the New Testament unfolds, is that the death and resurrection of Christ to cover our sins is the foundation for all these blessings that the gospel of the kingdom announces. The King must die before he reigns. Otherwise the justice of his reign would only bring judgment and not salvation. So all the kingdom blessings demonstrated in the Gospels had to be purchased by the blood of Christ. This is why the cross must ever be the center and foundation of the gospel and why the blessings of the gospel should only be called gospel in relation to the cross.”
-Piper

"We bring nothing to our salvation except our sin that made it necessary."
-Bridges

“Get up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good news; lift up your voice with strength, O Jerusalem, herald of good news; lift it up, fear no; say to the cities of Judah, “Behold your God!”
Isaiah 40:9