Direction

I’m just going to vent for a little while and see where it takes me. An overarching theme for me this summer is learning my weaknesses and just how short I come to glorifying God. A big facet of this is humility, compassion, and an unconditional love for others. I wish I could learn all these lessons the way that Neo had those programs downloaded into his brain in the Matrix. Unfortunately I have to learn first off that I have a problem, then see what the proper behavior/attitude is, then watch myself fall flat on my face repeatedly for an indefinite period of time trying to get there.
I am becoming increasingly aware of my shortcomings in these areas, but I am unsure of how to change.Do I have to learn to accept my personality and temperament first before I can have any confidence, then feel comfortable being positive and not tearing people down? Is there a brokenness that I can attain that allows me to love other people unconditionally? Aside from watching myself fail over and over again, do I play a role in this process at all?
Here are some excerpts from what I’ve been reading in Transforming Grace:

“You and I actually experience the grace of God in our lives far more than we realize. But all too often we do not enjoy His grace because we are trying to live by merit. Not by grace. In looking for our own goodness by which we hope to earn the blessing of God, we fail to see the superabundance of the goodness and grace of God in our lives.”

“…submission to the lordship of Jesus Christ should be in response to the love and mercy of God. In view of God’s mercy, Paul urged the Roman believers to offer their bodies as living sacrifices. We must respond with a similar motivation to His lordship in our lives today.”

“We certainly need to be reminded that we are still sinners. The best way to do this is to take seriously the commands of God as a required rule of life. As we do, we will be continually reminded that we really are spiritually bankrupt—even as believers. And as redeemed sinners in a perpetual state of bankruptcy, we will come to appreciate more each day the superabounding grace of God.”

“Many Christians grew up in homes where parental acceptance was based, to a large degree, on academic, athletic, musical, or perhaps some other standard of achievement. Often, in that kind of performance environment, they never quite felt as if they measured up to expectations, regardless of how successful they were. Then they transfer that sense of inadequacy to their relationship with God. They continually wonder is God pleased with me? Is He smiling on me with fatherly favor?”

“Do you view God’s moral precepts as a source of bondage and condemnation for failure to obey them, or do you sense the Spirit producing within you an inclination and desire to obey out of gratitude and love? Do you try to obey by your own sheer will and determination, or do you rely on the Spirit daily for His power to enable you to obey? Do you view God as an ogre who has set before you an impossible code of conduct you cannot keep, or do you view Him as your divine heavenly Father who has accepted you and loves you on the basis of the merit of Christ? In other words, in terms of your acceptance with God, are you willing to rely solely on the finished perfect work of Jesus, instead of your own pitifully imperfect performance?”

I think these quotes help to answer my questions. I truly do feel like I’m on the operating table watching God perform surgery on my soul. It is thrilling, on one hand, to know that God is working on me so intensely and that I’m getting to learn so much. On the other hand, it is very sobering and painful to watch. I wish it was easier for me to admit that I’m a mess, that I don’t have everything together and be vulnerable. Unfortunately it’s taking some deep cuts and many trials to get me to that point.

One of the major sources of stress in my life right now is the huge question mark awaiting me after graduation. I don’t know what path I want to pursue, and I don’t know how to make a wise decision in that area. I read this in Piper’s Dangerous Duty of Delight at the conclusion of the chapter of missions a few days ago:

“In 1897, Samuel Zwemer and his wife and two daughters sailed to the Persian Gulf to work among the Muslims of Bahrain. Their evangelism was largely fruitless. In July 1904 both the daughters, ages four and seven, died within eight days of each other. Nevertheless, fifty years later Zwemer looked back on this period and wrote, ‘The sheer joy of it all comes back. Gladly would I do it all over again.’

Missionaries are not heroes who can boast in great sacrifice for God. They are the true Christian hedonists. They know that the battle cry of Christian hedonism is missions. They have discovered a hundred times more joy and satisfaction in a life devoted to Christ and the gospel than in a life devoted to frivolous comforts and pleasures and worldly advancements. Suffering, disappointment, loss—yes. But all outweighed by the superior promise of all that God is for them in Jesus. They have taken to heart the rebuke of Jesus: Beware of a self-pitying spirit of sacrifice. Missions is gain! Hundredfold gain!

On January 8, 1956, five Auca Indians of Ecuador killed Jim Elliot and his four missionary companions as they were trying to bring the gospel to the Aucas. Four young wives lost husbands and nine children lose their fathers. Elizabeth Elliot wrote that the world called it a nightmare of tragedy. Then she added, ‘The world did not recognize the truth of the second clause in Jim Elliot’s credo: He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’

God has not put Jim Elliot and Samuel Zwemer and Lottie Moon in the world simply to picture their joyful tribulation, but also to awaken our passion for imitation. He said in Hebrews 13:7, ‘Consider the outcome of their life, and imitate their faith,’ and in 6:12, ‘Be imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises’. Therefore, if you find in your soul a longing for the kind of satisfaction in God that freed these saints for the sacrifice of love, savor it, and stoke its embers with prayer before Stain snuffs it out. This may be a decisive moment in your life.”

I do long for that satisfaction. The problem that I have right now is I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to figure it out. I also want to plan ahead as much as possible and feel mounting pressure to attain some sense of meaning, purpose, prestige, and overall satisfaction.

Back to where I began. I think it would be helpful to remember the words of Jonathan Edwards: “Self denial destroys the very root and foundation of sorrow.”

God, teach me self denial, and transform my heart into one that loves.